As a self-defense instructor and safety officer, one of the first thing that I usually tell my students is the importance of learning de-escalation skills. I tell them that a big percentage of conflicts can be de-escalated if we learn how to approach a situation in a way that we are not proving ourselves to be always right, instead we are looking at the situation and we are trying to prove what is right that will be benefiting both parties involved. I also tell them that if ever you do decide to escalate, ask yourself is it really going to be worth it? Will it be worth it to escalate to physical force that can lead to you getting hurt? You getting to hurt another person? You possibly getting a legal case against you and the time and anxiety you will need to deal with after an argument and altercation.
In my personal experience of trying to de-escalate some conflicts on the street or even with people that I know that got engaged into verbal arguments that sometimes led to the use of physical force. Here are some of the common things that I personally have used in trying to de-escalate a situation.
Do not talk back, try to listen, and know the details on why the person in front of you is irate.
The first thing that I would usually do in a situation that I know will be involving an argument and not a discussion is gather enough information from the other person. Not talking back allows me to focus on what the other person is talking about. I get to also try to figure out why is this person so mad or angry at me? Not talking back is also a way for me to look for mistakes of the other person, especially if we are in front of an authority.
I remember one time when I got into a car accident and we got hit by a truck in our hometown. The driver of the truck during the investigation said that he didn’t saw our vehicle. When he said that, that was the time that I explained in front of the investigator that as a professional driver. Someone, who has a driver’s license, we should always be aware of our surroundings when we are driving. I said that if he said that he didn’t see us, is that really a good excuse? What if it was a kid crossing the street and he was not observant of his surroundings, then that kid might have gotten hurt. I was able to gather enough information from the other driver leading to me finding his fault during the conversation. I know that we were not at fault during that time and even the traffic enforcers were on our side. We didn’t file any case against the driver because it was just a dent on our vehicle and my mother knew the owners of the truck and we didn’t want any further escalation of the situation, so we decided to let it go and hopefully the driver learned his lesson and hopefully he will be more careful behind the wheel because lives are at stake, not only his life but also the lives of other people.
This experience was really one of those events that I would say that not talking back and keeping your mouth shut to try and stop escalating a situation would really be the best way for you to try and de-escalate a situation. It is also a good method of gathering enough information about the other party and find fault with words that they use during a situation that you can take advantage of during an investigation, especially, when you know that you are not at fault.
If you have learned the reason of the confrontation, try to do your best to make the person calm down by not aggravating the person through reasoning out while the person is expressing his / her concern.
One of the memorable experiences from where I was able to implement my skills in de-escalation was when I was with my students during a community immersion activity that we organized as volunteers in one of the Barangay’s in Sampaloc, Manila.
There was this father who was looking for his kid and was angry with my students for including his kid in their community / volunteer activities for the kids in that locality. He was really shouting and cursing my students when he found out that his kid joined the activity for kids that my students prepared for the kids in that community.
It was a good thing that before we went to that community. I have relayed the information to my students that we should learn to adapt to the environment from where we will be going and organizing our volunteer activities. One of the reminders that I’ve taught them was the techniques of de-escalation, especially the no 1 advice that I gave them is that when someone angry approaches them they should just keep quite and stop talking while maintaining a safe distance from the person in front of them. I usually conduct personal protection lectures to my student volunteers before we go to communities to ensure that as we go to the community from where we will try to conduct our activities. They will be prepared and that we can look after each other’s back for the safety of the members of our group.
During that event, my students were really shocked because the father of the kid was big and scary. The good thing was I was there when the father arrived and started cursing the student volunteers.
I just relayed the hand signal that I taught them during our class discussion. I taught my students that if ever there is a situation from where I will need to catch their attention and they are doing some other things or if noise is distracting us from communicating. They should know the hand signal for stopping whatever they are doing and if they are talking, I would want them to stop and focus their attention to me through using a close fist hand signal.
Try to look for someone in authority to assist you in the situation, especially if the person who is aggravated is someone who lives within their neighborhood.
Situational awareness is a learned skill. This is something that everyone can learn, and not only military personnel can use for their safety. The first thing that I tell my students in NSTP when we go to communities to conduct community immersion is to make sure that we have gathered enough information from the community, and we have done “passive recon” or have tried to at least be familiarized with strategic locations from where we can easily get help if in case an emergency may arise. In my years of experience as an instructor who goes to communities to conduct feeding and other community related activities to those who are less fortunate. One of the things that I would want to ensure is the safety of my students when we go there. Therefore, making sure that we have proper communication with the authorities, and we coordinate our activities accordingly is really very important before conducting any activity in any of the affiliated communities we go to.
I also explain to my students that they should learn to adapt to the environment and as much as possible act like natives. If ever there will be situations that may threaten our volunteer’s safety, we should have a way to easily communicate and ask for assistance from the authorities within that local area.
In my example above from where a father really got angry at my students for letting his kid join the activities that the students conducted in the community. It was a good thing that we had proper coordination with the local community leader, and we were able to easily ask for assistance in trying to de-escalate the situation when the irate father went to our venue.
“Insults are the last resort of the weak-minded when they feel powerless.”
Unknown
Remember to try and control yourself to not make sarcastic comments about the situation that could further escalate the emotional condition of the person who is in front of you.
In the Philippines, one of the common traits that I have so far observed is that we have the tendency to escalate situations rather than try to de-escalate it because of either negative humor or ego.
I had an experience with some of my students in a school that I’ve handled from where my students encouraged kids that we handled in the community who were already fighting and instead of trying to mediate and de-escalate the situation they made fun of the situation. I was disappointed back then and had to lecture my students.
I told them what is so funny with kids who are about to get into a fist fight? Is it funny to see human beings hurting each other? I made sure that we didn’t end that day’s volunteer activities without making them realize that its alright to have humor but not at the expense of people getting hurt. It’s a common experience that I have, and I have observed in some of our communities here to see kids getting into a fist fight and instead of some adults trying to mediate. Either the adults will join in, or they laugh and allow the kids to keep at the activity they are doing.
I remember when I was in one of our wet markets in my town in Marilao and saw two kids getting into a fist fight and the adults were just watching. I had to stop both those kids from continuously punching one another and break the fight and told them to go home.
I just wanted to talk about these examples because most of the time, fights would usually escalate due to sarcasm and words that we utter. From verbal argument that leads to physical force due to sarcastic words that one party would have possibly uttered that led to the fight that originated from exchange of bad words escalating to a more physical fist fight.
“It is not insult from another that causes you pain. It is the part of your mind that agrees with the insult. Agree only with the truth about you, and you are free.”
Alan Cohen
Once you have identified the reason for the argument, try to explain your side of the story when the other person is done talking.
I tell my students that maintaining their composure and try to listen to the other person. They can gather more information this way and try to process whatever words the other person is using, especially if they really are hard to deal with and are up for an argument.
Usually this is where they will commit mistakes and will try to incriminate themselves. Therefore, it is best to stop talking back and wait for your turn to explain yourself to the authorities.
Now, if there is a case that its already your turn to talk, however, the other person talks while you’re talking, just stop and listen until they are done talking, this is so we could avoid further argument.
Direct your attention to officials who can assist in the situation
Try to direct your attention to the officials and try to explain your side of the story and explain to them that you will not talk until the other party is done explaining their side so that every details of their concern can be recorded and request from the officials to instruct the other party to do the same, this is to avoid further arguments and the authority can hear both sides without anyone interrupting.
ADDITIONAL SAFETY REMINDERS:
Always observe a safe distance from your assaulter especially if nobody is around to assist you or there is no authority nearby from where you can ask for help.
Never lower down you guard nor be complacent, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Evaluate and find escape routes while the person is talking.
Explore the environment and look for an equalizer, you also need to prepare to escalate and defend yourself when worst comes to worst and when the person resorts to physical violence.
“When someone talks badly of you behind your back, just do the exact opposite of what they are saying. People will soon see who they really are, so don’t waste your energy by stooping down to their level and just do what is right.”
– Unknown Author
Rodrigo Bonzerr Lopez 
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